FOUNDER'S NOTE

Have you noticed a few people around you who go out of the way to impress others with their wealth, status, achievements or possessions? They flaunt their assets, trying to impress whoever, whenever they can. 

They hardly ever listen to anyone else, are never impressed with greater achievements of others.  They want everyone to pay attention to their boasting, admire them, look up to them. 

I feel sad for such people.  If there is a perpetual need to be looked up to and be admired by others, then it can only be because deep down their self-esteem is low, and they are aware that they are not as great as they claim to be.

Once upon a time we used to teach children.  Now I think children can teach us so much which we do not know, and we should keep learning from them.

But let us not forget that knowledge is not wisdom or capability. It is our responsibility to make them introspect what is good or bad for them, and give them alternatives and options to improve their life skills, emotional intelligence and relationships. It has to be done on a regular basis.

 I often come across highly qualified adults holding high positions who cannot handle close relationships, which is the crux of a fulfilling life. Let us create these skills in children of today.

At times someone we trust or love hurts us badly.

The person may have let us down, cheated us, humiliated us or ignored us.  When outsiders do the same we are upset for some time but we recover and move on.  But if the person was (or is) very dear to us then it becomes difficult to get over, and the emotional hurt persists for a long time.

Here are some simple tips to reduce the pain and thereby become more relaxed or functional:

1. Acknowledge and Accept Your Feelings, label them
2. Practice Self-Compassion
3. Challenge Negative Thought Patterns
4. Cultivate Forgiveness
5. Spend time with those who have been good to you
6. Do Healing Activities
7. Set Boundaries in to prevent hurt in future

Don’t expect quick results.  The above have to be practiced regularly for a long time before you feel lighter.  Best of luck!

Whether they express it or not, many children do get anxiety, unknown fears and even depression when they face challenges beyond the routine.  It is necessary that all concerned adults should continuously monitor the onset of distress and help them in Dealing with Anxiety

Dr. Ali Khwaja, counselor, life skills coach who loves children of all ages

Tell and guide the child to…..

• Not deny her stress, fears etc. or hide her feelings.  Make her talk.
• Not dwell upon past failures or bad performance.  Convince that they are your stepping stones to ensure that now better performance.
• Never compare your marks or performance with classmates or friends.  Discussion on marks before exams can only pull down your spirits.
• Definitely reduce or if possible stop social media, on-line games as far as possible.
• Don’t believe, or even keep the company of pessimistic people who are doomsday prophets, e.g. “whatever we do, we cannot succeed”, “there is too much competition, we’ll never get admission.”

Family’s Role

Parents and all other adults in the family need to be aware that some of their well-intended actions or words to the child can actually cause more harm and result in worse performance. Hence follow these simple tips to ensure that your child performs to his best ability:

• Never compare your child with a sibling, cousin, classmate or even with Bill Gates or Satya Nadella.  Your child is unique, allow him to grow and blossom out at his own pace.
• Don’t set unrealistic targets.  A student who is averaging 50% marks actually loses motivation if he thinks that his parents will not be satisfied with anything less than 90%.
• Don’t get stressed yourself – and this message is primarily aimed towards some of the over-enthusiastic mothers. Do not get stressed, it shows on your face and in your demeanor.  It increases the tension in the child and makes her feel guilty, which can drastically reduce performance. If you are getting overtly stressed, talk it over with a friend or counselor, use any technique that suits you, but ensure that you are not on edge all the time.
• Do not go shopping for tonics and pills that “enhance memory.” Firstly, there are no such proven and certified products available, and secondly, there is nothing wrong with your child’s memory (ask him to recount story of an interesting movie he had seen one year ago!)
• Don’t talk all the time about exams and studies at home, let the atmosphere be relaxed and normal as it is at other times.  Don’t keep telling other family members, “Don’t disturb him, he has exams.”
• Don’t keep up the chant of “study, study”. What the child needs is encouragement to study smart not study hard.  Use ways and means to discuss and find out what increases his motivation and what puts him at ease.  Ignore minor lapses of not studying, spending time with friends, or sleeping late.
• Once upon a time we used to caution adults not to become “helicopter parents”, hovering above the child all the time.  Now hovering has become much easier with the coming of drones.  Please do not hover around like a drone, give space to your child. Check on him periodically but with sufficient time gap.