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15 Jul

Why become a Parent?

Choosing to become a parent is a decision we make. It is not something that is thrust upon u, even  though we like to play victim sometimes. We very well know the challenges of parenthood, before we become parents – the sleepless nights, the financial constraints, the constant negotiations, disciplining, media, safety, you name it! We have discussed all this many times over and heard it incessantly from people around us who are already parents. Yet, we decide to go ahead and bring a child into this world (or adopt a child). Why are we doing this to ourselves? Why do we do this?

I don’t have any theories or experiments to prove or explain why we do what we do. I do have my own understanding and instincts for why we put ourselves in a position laden with challenges. One is the obvious – the kind of warmth, love, admiration and fun that comes from a child, is unparalleled! You could be mad as hell but that one puppy like hug from your child and your anger vanishes into thin air.

The other could be our natural urge to take care or nurture – I believe this is more prominent in most women, but that does not mean that its absent in men. As an adult, we are not able to play with and care for our toys and dolls and hence we get a real life one? You can pooh-pooh this all you want, but dig deep and for most of you, this maybe one of the reasons.

Could it also be because we think we can do better than the others we have heard parenting horror stories from? Then there’s also the usual explanation about the natural need for proliferating our species.

One of the reasons for why we become parents, came to me tonight, while putting my daughter to bed. Could it be a way the universe is telling us to become better? Better citizens, better friends, better listeners, better people. As a parent, each one of us wants only the best for our child – the best schools, best clothes, best toys, best opportunities, best friends. Most of the times we already think they have the best parents in the world

While we try to be the best parents we can and teach them whatever little we know, we seldom realise that our children are in fact, teaching us larger lessons – lessons we have forgotten along the way, lessons that are in the back burner to be used someday when we are free from our duties, lessons that we know will only make things better but they are also lessons that require us to step up and do more and be more. Who wants to do that willingly?

Parents! That’s who! Here we have someone who is hearing (notice I did not say ‘listening’ 😉 ) every word we say, whether it is to them or not, observing every move, every cringe, every smile, every tear held back, every piercing stare. It takes every ounce in us and every inch of our body to bring up the energy and the courage to constantly remind ourselves to do the right thing.

Parenting reminds us to keep our ego aside, be humble, realize and accept that we may make mistakes (okay, most of the times, the children will be quick to point out what mistakes you have made, but sometimes you have the luxury of figuring it out yourselves). It reminds us not to be hard on ourselves for the mistakes, but to learn from them and move on. Isn’t that what we tell our kids?

It reminds us that sometimes it is okay to be defeated and fail. We brush ourselves, get up and try again. Isn’t that what we tell our kids?

It reminds us to be better listeners. If we don’t listen when they talk, they won’t talk when we want to listen. I’m sure you have heard that! Listen to me! Isn’t that what we tell our kids?

Life is in the details for children – it is the broken crayon, it is the crumpled page or the favorite water bottle. Before you know it, it will become the broken heart, the crumpled notes to self, or the most favorite person in the world. It reminds us to care about the little things, because it is the drops of water that make up the ocean. Isn’t that what we tell our kids?

We are all struggling with understanding ourselves and our emotions even as “grown ups”. We learn to deal with some and we wrestle with some, sometimes for life. Parenting is a reminder that having strong uncontrollable feelings for something even as little as a drawing gone bad, or something as significant as body image, is okay and normal. What is important is to learn to accept, cope or change, as we see fit and possible. Isn’t this what we tell our kids?

If you are willing to put your “adult” ego aside and think, you realize, as we go through the various phases of our children’s lives, our lives at any point are not that different from theirs. We are both in this journey together. Children enter our lives and provide a constant reminder to us to show up, be better, do better and live better. Every moment with them is a reminder to be present, be your best, and most importantly, be yourself. Isn’t that after all what we tell our kids?

-Sharda Kalayanaraman (Anu)

Banjara Academy

 

Every baby and small child has an innate desire and curiosity to explore, learn and acquire skills. 

Adults find it so difficult to hold back toddlers who wish to move around all over the place and investigate everything within their reach. They use all their senses to see, listen, touch, taste & smell whatever they come across.

As the child grows older, he is sent to school to get ‘educated’, but all his motivation and desire to learn reduces.  He then has to be forced to listen to the teacher, take notes, do calculations, complete his homework, and ‘mug up’ for exams. Is it the fault of the student, or is it the fault of all of us adults who kill the curiosity and the joy of learning?

Instead of blaming the system or authorities, each one of us can, and should, do our bit to rekindle the spark of learning in any child we interact with, and send him off on a path of growth to become a capable adult.

It’s not difficult.

Careers and Studies:

Find out your most suitable learning style: 

Each one of us is unique, and the best method that suits our study should be determined by trial and error, till we are satisfied.  Check out if any or many of these techniques give you better learning and retention:

  1. Sitting in one place and reading, or standing, walking around, moving place of study every few minutes, or even lying down.
  2. Writing as you read, either in a notebook, small flip-cards, or on a black/white board that you can keep in your room.
  3. Reading mainly from the notes instead of the main text book, and referring to the text book periodically.
  4. Reading aloud to yourself, or even reading out to a friend or parent.
  5. Highlighting or underlining with a pencil the important passages or definitions.
  6. Closing the book once every 5, 10 or 20 minutes and recalling what you have read (or even writing down in point-form)
  7. Playing soft music when you read
  8. Reading one subject continuously for hours vs. shifting periodically from one subject to another.

 

Case Study

Rohini has been a good student and managed 10.0 CGPA in her 10th standard CBSE.  However she did not like science too much (though she enjoyed Math), and took up Commerce at the +2 level.  Her parents were not too happy with it as everyone in their family were engineering, doctors etc and they felt that science students have better careers than commerce students.

As an after-thought Rohini’s parents asked her to enroll for the Common Proficiency Test (CPT) which is the first step to becoming a Chartered Account.  Again it was entirely in the belief that CA’s are the most respectable professionals in commerce.  Rohini appeared for CPT but missed clearing it by a few marks.  Her parents again coaxed her to re-appear, and in the second attempt she succeeded!

Rohini is not interested in becoming a CA, but did not know how to convince her parents.  Finally she went in for an Aptitude test.  The result was that she is a people-oriented person and would be much happier in areas of applied finance, not pure accounting.  The report mentioned many careers that have commerce as a base but which involve understanding and dealing with people.  The family started looking up details of the careers highlighted in the report, and were pleasantly surprised to see very interesting and exciting options open for their child.  Rohini is now happily doing her B.Com, getting fairly good marks.  She has also taken up a couple of on-line courses suggested by her counselor to enhance her skills in the fields she is considering as her final career.

A famous writer once said: “We Indians are only focused on weddings, but do not give any significance to marriage”.

I look around and find people doing everything to arrange the grandest weddings, but hardly spending any time or effort on helping the couple understand how they can make their married life harmonious.

When two people of opposite gender, having had different upbringing, education, relationships and attitudes, come together to share such an intimate relationship (and even bring up children together), don’t they require to plan, prepare, look into possible hurdles, and learn how to build a strong and loving relationship – which may last more than half a century ?

There is so much that can be done on working out all issues of the marital relationship in advance, the way we work out careers, homes, finances or health. Wish we start working on this crucial issue. 

Generally we are contented with the way our days are going and can deal with minor issues without much discomfort.

But sometimes life throws up unexpected challenges at you. Circumstances change, fortunes go up and down, luck favors or abandons you, and you face intense happy or sad situations. Sometimes you have no control of what is happening, and you do your best to overcome the hurdles or setbacks.  When faced with very difficult times, one thing becomes clear – you get to know who your true friends are, and who will give you unconditional support. 

Hope Diwali brings brighter days in your life.