Parents who do not willingly grow with their children and allow them to be mentally and emotionally independent, need to ask themselves if they are facing any of these situations:
- Unresolved past about their own childhood, including resentment against their own parents.
- Strong indoctrination that was instilled into them by their parents, and they are not willing to let go of it [particularly in matters that are not in conflict with ethics or morals].
- A sense of insecurity that they may lose control over their children. This can happen if one parent is not happy with the other or is going through a bad career stage, making him or her try to redeem self-esteem by controlling the child.
- Desire to prove to others that one is a good parent. It may be to impress in-laws, society, relatives or colleagues.
- An inherent suspicious nature that makes the parent think that freedom will inevitably be misused by the child, assumptions that if the child is doing small wrong things he will go on to do bigger ones.
- Taking out one’s frustrations and unfulfilled dreams on the child, and wanting to see one’s own glorification through the child achievement or behaviour.
- The worst case is when one parent wants to cling on to a child only to get even with the other parent, to gain support in marital conflict or use the child as a pawn to get something from other adults in the family. If none of the above factors are present, a parent should actually take pride in seeing the child become more independent and able, not just physically, but mentally, too. But some parents do have genuine fears whether they are letting go too early and whether the child may stumble and fall. Firstly, such parents should remember that when their child first learnt how to walk, he did stumble and fall many times-yet, he was encouraged to walk. Secondly, a parent can use the following guidelines to ensure a smooth transition of the child towards adulthood:
- There should be congruence between both parents about how much independence to allow at every stage. If grandparents or other adults are part of the family, their consensus should also be taken, or they should be requested not to give contradictory messages to the child.
- Anticipate the needs and desires of the child before he begins to demand, for instance, when would he like to select his own clothes, when to start giving him money, when to buy him bike, when to allow him to stay overnight with friends etc. Many parents get taken aback when the child start making these demands because they were still in their own world thinking that the child is ‘too young’ for all that. *Be consistent in laying down rules. Never keep fluctuating on basic issues such as curfew hours, time on television, how much money to spend, selection of friends, use of telephone, etc. A privilege once given should not be taken away, unless he has purposely misused it [accidental or one-time misuse should be let off with a warning].
- Let the child test the waters. Give him money once to do his own shopping, allow him to go out alone one day, and ask him to come back and narrate how things went. If he is not open about his movement or activities, warn him that he may not get that facility.
- Communication is perhaps the most vital tool. Encourage and motivate your child to speak on any subject under the Sun. Tell him to share all his good and bad experiences. Assure him that you will not punish him if he comes and shares-and live up to that promise.
- Punish immediately when he misuses any facility. The punishment should be crisp, impersonal, without hurting the self-esteem of the child and with prior warning. Similarly, reward him amply when he does not misuse any facility given to him.
- Periodically, the whole family should sit down and discuss these issues openly, planning for the future, anticipating obstacles and if necessary, agreeing to disagree. Parents who allow their children to become independent progressively are doing them a great favour, because in tomorrow’s challenging environment, this will be the greatest factor in determining success and achievement.
