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12 Jan

Selecting a spouse: Who’s the winner? Head or heart?

Love is blind, they say. Tell that to unmarried people, they will retort, “Rubbish”. On the contrary, tell that to married people, they will exclaim, “How true”.

What makes a marriage tick? Banjara academy set out to find answers to this age-old question, and came up with wide range of findings. For young men and women, falling in love was most important. Educational qualifications, similar upbringing, hobbies and interest, looks, caste and financial status all came later. Horoscope was no priority.

The results of the survey were released at a workshop “Selecting a Spouse”. Participants narrated their experiences and the refrain was that it is the relationship and not the person that matters the most.

Asif, a young doctor, who is engaged, says everything starts and ends with love. “Love marriage” which is arranged is ideal as we should always have the family backing. I believe it is always marriage between two families rather than two individuals.

Karan, an architecture student, feels arranged or love, marriage is a gamble. “Marriage, for me is an empty room. You put two people together and see how they build it up. Some may build a harmonious marriage, while in some case one of the spouses may walk out or sometimes both the spouses may walk out.”

But Malavika, a student, disagrees. “Marriage is not a gamble. You can’t pick up a man by throwing a dice. For me the ideal spouse should be down to earth, respect each other and sharing and caring”.

“Falling in love should not be kept as priority because then it will have to do more with looks, the way one presents and often we tend to look at only the positive side. It’s only after marriage that we see the negative trait in the person, says chairman of Banjara academy Dr. Ali Khwaja.

“This shows that youngsters are giving importance to the concept of ‘love first and marriage later’ with the presumption that this would ensure a smooth and happy wedded life,” says a counsellor.

Says Dr. Ali Khwaja, “For married people, the most important factors that make a good marriage are intellectual compatibility, similarity of upbringing, education, caste, financial status, similarity in careers and then comes falling in love and horoscope matching”.

Vasu and Saraswati, who have been married for 43 years, agree, “We can’t demand respect, it has to be earned. Two individuals should have emotional maturity and should understand each other’s weakness and help each other overcome it.”

TIE THAT BINDS

  1. The four pillars of happy marriage are good communication, respect, trust and commitment.
  2. While unmarried youth stress the importance of love, married people emphasize the need for compatibility.
  3. Married couples say nuclear family is more conducive to happy married life.
  4. Learn to love and not look for the right person to love.
Banjara Academy

 

Every baby and small child has an innate desire and curiosity to explore, learn and acquire skills. 

Adults find it so difficult to hold back toddlers who wish to move around all over the place and investigate everything within their reach. They use all their senses to see, listen, touch, taste & smell whatever they come across.

As the child grows older, he is sent to school to get ‘educated’, but all his motivation and desire to learn reduces.  He then has to be forced to listen to the teacher, take notes, do calculations, complete his homework, and ‘mug up’ for exams. Is it the fault of the student, or is it the fault of all of us adults who kill the curiosity and the joy of learning?

Instead of blaming the system or authorities, each one of us can, and should, do our bit to rekindle the spark of learning in any child we interact with, and send him off on a path of growth to become a capable adult.

It’s not difficult.

Careers and Studies:

Find out your most suitable learning style: 

Each one of us is unique, and the best method that suits our study should be determined by trial and error, till we are satisfied.  Check out if any or many of these techniques give you better learning and retention:

  1. Sitting in one place and reading, or standing, walking around, moving place of study every few minutes, or even lying down.
  2. Writing as you read, either in a notebook, small flip-cards, or on a black/white board that you can keep in your room.
  3. Reading mainly from the notes instead of the main text book, and referring to the text book periodically.
  4. Reading aloud to yourself, or even reading out to a friend or parent.
  5. Highlighting or underlining with a pencil the important passages or definitions.
  6. Closing the book once every 5, 10 or 20 minutes and recalling what you have read (or even writing down in point-form)
  7. Playing soft music when you read
  8. Reading one subject continuously for hours vs. shifting periodically from one subject to another.

 

Case Study

Rohini has been a good student and managed 10.0 CGPA in her 10th standard CBSE.  However she did not like science too much (though she enjoyed Math), and took up Commerce at the +2 level.  Her parents were not too happy with it as everyone in their family were engineering, doctors etc and they felt that science students have better careers than commerce students.

As an after-thought Rohini’s parents asked her to enroll for the Common Proficiency Test (CPT) which is the first step to becoming a Chartered Account.  Again it was entirely in the belief that CA’s are the most respectable professionals in commerce.  Rohini appeared for CPT but missed clearing it by a few marks.  Her parents again coaxed her to re-appear, and in the second attempt she succeeded!

Rohini is not interested in becoming a CA, but did not know how to convince her parents.  Finally she went in for an Aptitude test.  The result was that she is a people-oriented person and would be much happier in areas of applied finance, not pure accounting.  The report mentioned many careers that have commerce as a base but which involve understanding and dealing with people.  The family started looking up details of the careers highlighted in the report, and were pleasantly surprised to see very interesting and exciting options open for their child.  Rohini is now happily doing her B.Com, getting fairly good marks.  She has also taken up a couple of on-line courses suggested by her counselor to enhance her skills in the fields she is considering as her final career.

A famous writer once said: “We Indians are only focused on weddings, but do not give any significance to marriage”.

I look around and find people doing everything to arrange the grandest weddings, but hardly spending any time or effort on helping the couple understand how they can make their married life harmonious.

When two people of opposite gender, having had different upbringing, education, relationships and attitudes, come together to share such an intimate relationship (and even bring up children together), don’t they require to plan, prepare, look into possible hurdles, and learn how to build a strong and loving relationship – which may last more than half a century ?

There is so much that can be done on working out all issues of the marital relationship in advance, the way we work out careers, homes, finances or health. Wish we start working on this crucial issue. 

Generally we are contented with the way our days are going and can deal with minor issues without much discomfort.

But sometimes life throws up unexpected challenges at you. Circumstances change, fortunes go up and down, luck favors or abandons you, and you face intense happy or sad situations. Sometimes you have no control of what is happening, and you do your best to overcome the hurdles or setbacks.  When faced with very difficult times, one thing becomes clear – you get to know who your true friends are, and who will give you unconditional support. 

Hope Diwali brings brighter days in your life.