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09 Feb

On being your own best friend

“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself “ is a quote ascribed to Michel de Montaigne, a 16th century French philosopher. Most of us would like to have somebody whom we could call as our best friend, a person to whom we can confide all our inner thoughts and feelings, and who has our complete trust in all aspects of our relationship. While maintaining good interpersonal relations is a skill worth acquiring, intrapersonal relations are also equally important. Intrapersonal relations are all about getting along well with ourselves, being comfortable with who we are, and always acting in our best interests, based on self-love rather than selfishness. While there may be no sharp line separating selfishness from self-love, selfishness actually comes from a lack of self-love. Without self-love we can never really love another person, as we cannot give away something which we don’t have in the first place.

Another area where we can improve our intrapersonal relations is in the way we respond to other peoples’ negative views about us. The way we react depends on our own thoughts and emotions. There can be three kinds of responses—one is to keep quiet and absorb all the negative thoughts and their energy directed at us, the second being to reflect the negative energy in the same fashion back to the sender, and the third way is to transform the negative energy coming towards us to a positive energy, with the knowledge that nobody knows us as well as ourselves. It is only this third response which will be in our best interests. We should not permit any person, place or thing to deflect us from our sense of peace and tranquility.

Getting to know ourselves, what we really value and believe deep down, and living our life as per our own beliefs is also very important to being our own best friend. Skills required to discover our true authentic self includes cultivating the quality of awareness, embracing the quality of honesty and facing the truth without flinching, and sharpening the quality of discernment or taking the right decision based on our values in life. An authentic person will also be emotionally agile, having the ability to be aware of his emotions, and then knowing what to do with them.

Finally, having compassion and empathy not only to others but also to ourselves would help us in improving our intrapersonal skills. Empathy is all about feeling what the other person feels without getting emotionally involved, and acting in a non-judgmental manner. In the case of self- empathy, while we may be fully aware of our emotions, we can still act as though those emotions belong to somebody else, and act towards ourselves as if we were helping that other person get over whatever traumatic situation we may be facing. Being kind to ourselves involves understanding our needs—physical, mental and emotional—and providing for them. Also, forgiving ourselves for any of our mistakes by observing our emotions dispassionately and then moving on with our life is another important trait for getting along well with ourselves. As Lucille Ball, the American actress and comedian said, “Love yourself first, and then everything falls in place”.- Raju Thomas

Banjara Academy

 

Every baby and small child has an innate desire and curiosity to explore, learn and acquire skills. 

Adults find it so difficult to hold back toddlers who wish to move around all over the place and investigate everything within their reach. They use all their senses to see, listen, touch, taste & smell whatever they come across.

As the child grows older, he is sent to school to get ‘educated’, but all his motivation and desire to learn reduces.  He then has to be forced to listen to the teacher, take notes, do calculations, complete his homework, and ‘mug up’ for exams. Is it the fault of the student, or is it the fault of all of us adults who kill the curiosity and the joy of learning?

Instead of blaming the system or authorities, each one of us can, and should, do our bit to rekindle the spark of learning in any child we interact with, and send him off on a path of growth to become a capable adult.

It’s not difficult.

Careers and Studies:

Find out your most suitable learning style: 

Each one of us is unique, and the best method that suits our study should be determined by trial and error, till we are satisfied.  Check out if any or many of these techniques give you better learning and retention:

  1. Sitting in one place and reading, or standing, walking around, moving place of study every few minutes, or even lying down.
  2. Writing as you read, either in a notebook, small flip-cards, or on a black/white board that you can keep in your room.
  3. Reading mainly from the notes instead of the main text book, and referring to the text book periodically.
  4. Reading aloud to yourself, or even reading out to a friend or parent.
  5. Highlighting or underlining with a pencil the important passages or definitions.
  6. Closing the book once every 5, 10 or 20 minutes and recalling what you have read (or even writing down in point-form)
  7. Playing soft music when you read
  8. Reading one subject continuously for hours vs. shifting periodically from one subject to another.

 

Case Study

Rohini has been a good student and managed 10.0 CGPA in her 10th standard CBSE.  However she did not like science too much (though she enjoyed Math), and took up Commerce at the +2 level.  Her parents were not too happy with it as everyone in their family were engineering, doctors etc and they felt that science students have better careers than commerce students.

As an after-thought Rohini’s parents asked her to enroll for the Common Proficiency Test (CPT) which is the first step to becoming a Chartered Account.  Again it was entirely in the belief that CA’s are the most respectable professionals in commerce.  Rohini appeared for CPT but missed clearing it by a few marks.  Her parents again coaxed her to re-appear, and in the second attempt she succeeded!

Rohini is not interested in becoming a CA, but did not know how to convince her parents.  Finally she went in for an Aptitude test.  The result was that she is a people-oriented person and would be much happier in areas of applied finance, not pure accounting.  The report mentioned many careers that have commerce as a base but which involve understanding and dealing with people.  The family started looking up details of the careers highlighted in the report, and were pleasantly surprised to see very interesting and exciting options open for their child.  Rohini is now happily doing her B.Com, getting fairly good marks.  She has also taken up a couple of on-line courses suggested by her counselor to enhance her skills in the fields she is considering as her final career.

A famous writer once said: “We Indians are only focused on weddings, but do not give any significance to marriage”.

I look around and find people doing everything to arrange the grandest weddings, but hardly spending any time or effort on helping the couple understand how they can make their married life harmonious.

When two people of opposite gender, having had different upbringing, education, relationships and attitudes, come together to share such an intimate relationship (and even bring up children together), don’t they require to plan, prepare, look into possible hurdles, and learn how to build a strong and loving relationship – which may last more than half a century ?

There is so much that can be done on working out all issues of the marital relationship in advance, the way we work out careers, homes, finances or health. Wish we start working on this crucial issue. 

Generally we are contented with the way our days are going and can deal with minor issues without much discomfort.

But sometimes life throws up unexpected challenges at you. Circumstances change, fortunes go up and down, luck favors or abandons you, and you face intense happy or sad situations. Sometimes you have no control of what is happening, and you do your best to overcome the hurdles or setbacks.  When faced with very difficult times, one thing becomes clear – you get to know who your true friends are, and who will give you unconditional support. 

Hope Diwali brings brighter days in your life.