Fear is one of the core emotions, and is not necessarily negative, as it is an essential defence mechanism, like pain. It is better for a child to have certain fears, rather than to be fearless and foolhardy. Fear controls the actions and restricts a child from overstepping his boundaries.
Fear is an emotional state in the presence of or anticipation of a dangerous stimulus. It is usually characterized by extreme agitation, fight or flight, against an object, person or event. Fear is more about the “unknown”. It is popularly said that fear is nothing but false evidence appearing real. YET everyone has some fear or the other. Many a time we are not certain what we are afraid of. At times we may not even be aware that we are afraid of something. We just “naturally” dislike or avoid some things, (like the lizard on the wall) never considering that we might be afraid of them.
Fear is different from anxiety and Phobia.
Usually Anxiety is a reaction to anticipated or imagined danger and is a vague unpleasant emotional state, more related to an future event or the unknown. Anxiety is the prelude to fear, and anxieties that are not dealt with will over time slowly turn into fear.
Phobia is a feeling of dread that is specific, persistent, and is an irrational fear which can even lead to phobic disorder. It however takes a long time to develop, and can be prevented if the fears are nipped in the bud, or one is taught to systematically overcome fears. This is where the role of parents comes in, to create the right balance of the fears and anxieties in the child.
When we are born we know no fear, it takes root slowly basing on our experiences and the anxieties that are prevalent around us in the family, school etc. Most deep-seated fears begin in childhood. Make a list of the fearful situations your child may have gone through in his early years, that may have left an impact on him even as he is growing up.
Fear can:
- Hamper decision making and make the child feel he is helpless.
- Heighten the feeling of insecurity and emotional turmoil
- Develop into a lack of trust in others
- Make the child rigid, obstinate, and unwilling to change old habits
- Make him resistant to all offers of help from others.
- Lower his motivation and his performance
- Reduce his ability to think rationally
Hence whenever a parent notices the fear element in a child is increasing, slow and steady steps need to be taken to counter the feelings before they go out of hand.
Every child and his experiences are unique. One can never predict when fear sets into a child’s mind. Whatever may be the cause, never ridicule it, or make derisive statements (like, “Come on, you are too old to be afraid of going upstairs in the dark alone”)
Fear can be about any of these factors:
PLACES: school, crowds, planes or enclosed places heights above or below ground
ANIMALS: snakes, rats, mice, cockroaches, lizards
OBJECTS: guns, knives, computers
PEOPLE: men or women, strangers, homosexuals, Alcoholics
EVENTS: war, crime, accidents, terrorist activities
ATMOSPHERE: dark, shadowy, gloomy, being alone, strange or unknown setting
DISASTER: fire, lightening, losing job or being fired, injury or pain (self or others), death (of self or of other loved ones)
RESPONSES FROM OTHERS TO SELF: rejection, disapproval, not being liked, being made fun of, disappointing others, being ignored
FEELINGS ABOUT ONESELF: feeling guilty, “not being good enough”, being unstable or crazy, being held accountable, being pressured to perform, explaining your behavior, being exposed for the weaknesses or failures in your past, being useless or unwanted
THE UNKNOWN: new things or places, new activities, new friends, strange localities
How do we help the child overcome fear?
It is important for the parent to identify and acknowledge the fear and its causes
- Identify the cause. It is possible that the cause is not very evident e.g. if the child shows fear of going to school, it could be because the van driver is shouting at him.
- Is it already happening? If yes, since when, and how you have dealt with it so far? If no, when is it likely to happen? Where the factors are real, we need to first eliminate them, where they are just possible “threats”, we need to empower the child.
- What is the probability (give it a concrete quantitative measure) that it will definitely happen?
- What can be done to prevent it?
- What are the resources available to you to combat it?
- Who are the persons who you can seek help from?
- What will be the consequence if & when it does happen?
- How will you be able to build back?
- What happens if you do not take precautions now?
- What are the consequences if you change your course of action/life what do you stand to lose in order to gain something?
As far as possible, go through the above steps along with the child, so that he gets the reassurance that you are taking care of his problem.
Wherever possible, ask other family members, neighbours, teachers to give reassurance to the child, and to build up his confidence, at the same time acknowledging that his fears are natural, and that everybody has fears. Talk about the subject at odd hours, even when the child is not bringing up the topic. Expose the child to very mild equivalent of the fearful situation.
Encourage the child to take responsibility, give him a lot of positive strokes, and encourage him to repeat lots of Positive Affirmations (“I CAN do it”), and be patient in allowing the fear to reduce slowly.
Once the fear seems to have reduced, give a lot of appreciation, non-material rewards, and positive strokes to the child, as though he has won a battle. At the same time, keep an eye and ear open to ensure that the fear does not recur.
– Dr. Ali Khwaja
