Flashbacks hurt
I’m 31, female and employed.
I was disabled, for about 11 years….and had to adjust to crutches because I can’t walk anymore. I guess it hasn’t done my self-esteem any good. My parents think I’ve accepted whatever it is that landed me on crutches, but truth is I’m not coping at all.
As if this wasn’t enough, I failed at school….my parents were obviously disappointed…I didn’t care at that time, went on to get a job and well I’m happy, I love it….but I’m really not feeling well….
I think my meltdown started recently. A girl I genuinely loved broke my heart, cheated on me a lot of times and I forgave….. Her cheating is my fault, that’s how she makes me feel….she’s sworn at me countless times, told me how fat and pathetic I am, how disgusting my nails are, how dirty my hair looks. I’m scared of her…I’m scared of everyone, I feel sooo worthless. I wake every morning and smile like all is well, yet the minute I rest my head on my pillow, tears just flow.
As if that’s not enough, I’ve been having a flashback of some sort. Maybe my mind is playing games with me, bt from what I recall, I was raped when I was abt 5 years…. But it’s now haunting me….all I want to do is sleep. Drink and sleep…cry and sleep…I really can’t take this anymore, I need u to help me, to stop this pain before ending my life is the only option.
It was a long and slow process through exchange of emails. She was extremely busy during weekdays, and wouldn’t reply to my mails for days at a time. When I started helping her to understand and resolve her childhood trauma, she came out with the revelation that she is not a lesbian after all. The affair she had with a very pretty girl was to fulfill the connection she had subconsciously established with her lady molester. History repeated itself and she was verbally and physically abused by her girl-friend. She was on a journey of self-destruction. It took many interactions to make her understand and resolve her emotions. When she had resolved, at least to some extent, both the incidents of child sexual abuse that she had gone through, she started taking better care of herself, made herself look good, started socializing with both men and women, and could build back her self-esteem which enhanced her career and also helped her to build better and healthier relationships.
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