Anger against her Father

A smart and well-dressed gentleman came to me with a very perplexing problem.  He said that he is a highly educated man from a good family, happily married since almost 15 years, has a luxurious house, two adorable children, and has no complaints in life. He had lost both his parents and he felt very attached to his wife’s parents, particularly her father who was a retired military officer with impeccable credentials.  He said he always felt that her wife was a little cold to her father, but he never questioned her relationship.

Sometime ago he lost his mother-in-law, and his father-in-law was left alone.  He immediately suggested to his wife that they should bring her father to stay with them as he will also enjoy his company, and children will have the pleasure of a grandparent living with them.  To his great surprise, his wife exploded in anger to his suggestion, and not only refused to have her father over, but also vent her anger at her husband asking him why he is so keen to have HER father with him.  He was absolutely puzzled, stunned, and deeply hurt.

In fact, relationship between him and his wife had turned very cold in the past few days, and he felt distressed that 15 years of happy life has been shaken up on a very minor issue where he just could not comprehend what her anger was all about.

I spoke to the wife and gently encouraged her to come for further interactions.  She spoke freely about her life, her academics and career, her marriage and her children, and appeared to be quite a contented person.  Apparently even her childhood seemed to have been very happy, moving from one army cantonment to another, living comfortably with all the love of her parents as a single child.  I kept nudging her to talk more about her childhood, looking into different angles, till suddenly she broke down and said in a very angry tone, “I HATE my father!” That one statement opened the floodgates.

When she was 7 years old she used to go to a nearby shop to buy a chocolate after returning from school.  One day that shopkeeper, seeing that no one else was around, held her hand tightly and drew her close to him, trying to kiss her on her lips.  She managed to wrest free from his hold and ran home.  She was in tears and was sitting in the backyard waiting for her father to return so that she could complain to him and get the shopkeeper punished.

To her shock, she saw her father walking home with the same shopkeeper, and both of them talking and laughing animatedly. In her innocent mind she could not believe that he would actually be friendly with her molester.  Reaching home her father called out to her and told her to get a cup of tea for “uncle.”  She was so exasperated that she ran up to her father, and screamed, “I hate him – and I hate you also” and ran away.  Obviously the shopkeeper had sweet-talked her father into believing that she is a naughty child, and her father caught her and slapped her.

No other discussion happened between them, nor could she bring herself to say anything to her mother.  Years and decades later when her husband suggested that she get her father to stay with them, she found all the pent-up anger boiling out once again.