Both mothering and fathering

The experiment started in 1960 and has continued till 2010, which meant that some of the children were 50 years of age now.

Date: 12 December 2010; Time: 9.30 a.m. To 2.30 p.m.
No of people present: 90-120 parents

The first session was for parents of children below 4 years.

Dr. Ali Khwaja started the talk by mentioning the experiment conducted with the help of some 50 children. Some Marshmallows were kept in front of the children and they were told that only those children who wait for them patiently will be given more than one marshmallows and the ones who were impatient and wanted them immediately would get only one. It was noted that some children waited till the end of the time period given and were rewarded with more than one marshmallows but there were some children who were so impatient that they never bothered about the consequences and just took away all the marshmallows that they could. The experiment started in 1960 and has continued till 2010, which meant that some of the children were 50 years of age now. It was also observed that those children who were patient enough to wait for the marshmallows had a very peaceful life, they were well settled and had a good professional and personal life in contrary to the ones who were impatient.

This particular experiment was mentioned by Dr. Ali to tell the significance of child's upbringing at a very young age.

A power point presentation was made which contained the following:

A picture was displayed in which there was the face of a young girl and an old lady. This picture was to show how a person should have a broader prospective in looking at life.

• Negative or positive minded
• Sensitive or insensitive to others feelings
• Introvert or Extrovert
• Disciplined
• Risk-taker or has to be pushed

Creativity: Parents have to allow the child to be creative. This does not mean that they have to enroll their children into some Arts or Dance or Music classes were the child should follow a set of rules laid down by the school restricting their creativity. Creativity means

• bringing out hidden talents
• deep thinker
• very imaginative
• evaluative

Dr. Ali concluded by saying that the parents should learn to enjoy the acts and childhood of their children instead of worrying about their future as these days never return once they are gone.

The next session was for parents of children in the age group of 4-7 years

Dr. Ali Khwaja started the session by mentioning that one of the parents' had asked questions about her 3 years old child who would always keep enquiring about something or the other. He also said that such a character of the child is very good and the child would always want to know more about various things. Parents should encourage this in children and should not get irritated about the child asking.

He also mentioned a discussion he had with a guest lecturer from IIM. This lecturer was from America and would come to IIM for about 3 weeks in a year. When Dr. Ali asked him about the difference between the students from IIM and the students in America, he simply answered that the students from IIM never asked any questions, they would agree and take everything that been lectured to them, the lecturer also mentioned that he felt this act to be very strange.

An experiment was conducted to know about the basic IQ of children. A few of the most intellegent children were selected for this experiment. The were asked a simple question " 100 students were taken for an outing. They were seated in vans and each van could hold 12 students. So how many vans were required?" the answer given by most of the students was 8.33. this shows how the children were taught to just learn what was in the books and not understand what it actually meant. True education is one which can be applied to life.

Emotional security: Emotional security is another point for consideration. Dr. Ali and Asha gave a few instances where the children felt emotionally insecure. Dr. Ali stressed on the point how the child should know if the parents were having a varied opinion on any issues or having any arguments etc. if in an instance the child over-hears the parents arguing from his room and comes out to see what it is about and seeing the child the parents abruptly stop their argument, they even go further and act that everything was normal, then the child tends to feel very awkward. He may even feel that the parents were discussing something about him, many unnecessary questions may arise in his mind. To avoid such situations the it is always better to continue such kind of arguments even if the child is around, he may not understand it in the beginning, but later when he knows what the argument is about he would continue with his own work. But again parents should keep in mind not to even by mistake say words like "Divorce" or "Separation" or "leaving the home". This can cause a very big damage for the child.

Dr. Ali gave an example where a child suddenly refused to go to school. The parents were worried about this. The was good in his studies and had no problems in school, and the parents were not able to understand why the child refused to go to school. They even decided to admit the child to a different school, even then the child was not willing to go. The child was then brought to Banjara Academy for counselling. The counsellors found out that the child was doing so because he once heard his parents having an argument and the mother had told the father that if he continues to be the same way towards her one day he would not find her at home when he comes back from work. This was only a casual statement made by her. Now the child after hearing this from the mother was completely devastated and worried if this would really happen, and he also came out with the solution that if he does not go to school he would always be at home and he would stop his mother from leaving home. After the counsellors ensured the child that nothing of this would happen he resumed going to school.

Asha gave another example where the child was not willing to go back home from school. This was because one day when he went back from school his grand mother had died, and a few weeks after that his mother was admitted in the hospital for a surgery. The child linked both the incidences and thought that if he goes home his mother would also die and so decided not to go home. The teacher later took the Hospital where the mother was admitted and ensured him that she will come home after the surgery.

The power point presentation was repeated, and the pictures were displayed. To explain more about life skills and thinking out of the box a story was narrated by Dr. Ali. Once an old lady was suffering from a severe Throat Cancer. A reputed Cancer Surgeon operated on the lady and cured her completely. A few days had passed after the Surgery, the old lady had gained complete conscious by now and was pleased to see the Surgeon who was making his daily rounds. As she was not able to speak due to the surgery she wrote on a paper, her appreciation and gratitude to the Doctor. She also wrote that she was very happy that she had overcome the cancer. She gave the paper to the Doctor, and the Doctor was pleased to read it. He decided to reply, took the pen, turned the page and wrote that it was only his duty and it was God that she actually needed to thank, etc., and gave the paper to the old lady. The old lady starred at the paper in her hand and looked into the Doctor's face and looked back at the paper. She wrote something on the paper and returned it to the Doctor. The Doctor took the paper and read it. It was written "I can hear Doctor."

IQ i.e., Intelligence quotient has been replaced by EQ i.e., Emotional Quotient. To explain more about this Dr. Ali mentioned about Bill Gates and asked the parents if they were aware about his educational qualification. Some of the parents answered that he was a graduate, some said that he was a school drop out etc. Dr. Ali then said that Bill Gates was given the Honorary graduation degree from Harvard University in the year 2008. Bill Gates was a student of the Harvard University which offered boarding and lodging for its students. Here Bill Gates started developing his own software and programming. He also had developed so much knowledge that he was not attending his classes, but had started his own business and there were many clients who visited him in his hostel. When this was brought to the knowledge of the University administration they were very furious and debarred him immediately. Eventually Bill Gates grew up to be the biggest name in the field of software and Harvard University was fired for not recognising his talents. Regretting its mistake, the University honored Bill Gates with the degree.

Dr. Ali ended the session by saying that parenting is both fathering and mothering, one cannot replace the other.