Should I Tolerate Unacceptable Behaviour Of My Son?

Q: My son, who has just finished school and entered college, has suddenly changed into a arrogant insensitive and obnoxious boy. He threatens and abuses, misuses his time, money and relationships, and has a final answer to any argument "It is MY life!" Should I tolerate this as a passing phase of adolescence? If not, what can I do, because I think I am incapable of disciplining him.

A: It is not true that you are incapable of disciplining him. It just needs tactful handling and not force. While many adolescents do go through this phase, your son seems to have exceeds his limits and it will be nice if you could firmly and slowly bring about a change in him.

• At the outset do understand and accept that though the bad behavior may have suddenly started now, it was simmering in him, and coming into adolescence and college has helped him give an outlet. The remedy will also take a great deal of time and patience.
• Lay down certain norms on totally unacceptable behavior, and be firm in those areas even if he threatens, gets violent, or wants to walk out.Tell him the norms in advance.
• Be very nice to him whenever he is polite or obedient even for a short while. In fact, reward him there and then, more by intangible things like praise, a hug, public appreciation, a warm gesture etc.
• Ignore when he throws tantrums. Do not get into arguments with him. Be assertive , let him know what you disapprove, and then allow him to do what he wants in minor issues without trying to physically stop him or creating a scene. Later again gently remind him that you were upset about what he did.
• Explain your dissatisfaction in terms of emotions, such as "I felt very hurt and dejected when you used the abusive word---and walked out yesterday"
• Keep control over finances, family routine etc, and do not allow him to blackmail you into getting what you feel he does not deserve
• Keep repeating to him that you love him unconditionally, but his behavior is causing you a lot of pain. Give him responsibilities and share general emotional issues with him.
• Be patient, and do not expect immediate change.